


THE VERY TOP SECRET DIARY OF BILLY KEIKEYA

by papyrocrat



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Crack, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-10
Updated: 2011-02-10
Packaged: 2017-11-17 15:43:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/553201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/papyrocrat/pseuds/papyrocrat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So, apparently, and trust that this hurts me more to type out than it hurts you to read, the stupid opera house was supposed to be <i>even stupider</i>, and the “child” of Baltar and Caprica Six was going to be Laura Roslin. I have no idea why this turns Laura and Billy into Clarissa and Ferguson Darling in my head, but by the law of wildly entertaining intertextual analogies, this does, and I am not making this up, <i>turn Lee into Sam Anders</i>, which on its own makes it all worthwhile. Thank you, C.</p></blockquote>





	THE VERY TOP SECRET DIARY OF BILLY KEIKEYA

THE VERY TOP SECRET ~~DIARY~~ GOVERNMENT SECRETS OF BILLY KEIKEYA

KEEP OUT!!!! THIS MEANS YOU, JACOB!!!!

_Dude, if you write “private top secret” all over it, people are definitely going to read it._

WHATEVER, LELAND!

_You said you weren’t going to tell anyone that!_

DON’T READ MY FRAKKING ~~DIARY~~ GOVERNMENT SECRETS THEN! You’re like, committing espionage or something. Didn’t they teach you that at Dumbass Plane Jockey School?

_No, they taught us how to ignore stupid insults like “Dumbass Plane Jockey.”_

It’s not an insult if it’s TRUE! It’s an OBSERVATION!

_Ha ha. He’s got a point, Lee._

  
  
 [1 year, 1 month, 11 days after the Exodus; 16:30]

Everything blows since Baltar and Six decided we all had to play Space House since they’re apparently destined to be some fake Space Mommy and Daddy to Roslin even though she’s like, twenty years older than them. Well, Baltar at least. I’m scared to ask about Six.

I wish I could at least say that was the weirdest shit that happened around here, but no, just the most ANNOYING. They keep yelling at the president stuff like “LAURA MARIE ROSLIN, YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO BEHAVE! YOU ARE THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME!” Whatever the frak _that_ means. It’s especially dumb because her middle name is Diane. _Everyone_ knows that. It’s in the godsdamn history books. Well, it would be if we had history books. IDEK.

 _I’m_ not telling them. Idiots. Can’t a guy play some virtual pyramid in peace around here?

  
  
[1 year, 1 month, 13 days after the Exodus; 19:52]

Got the rest of the Quorum staff to play truth or dare. If I’d known it was that easy to make Lee cry I’d have done it months ago. Could have done without Zarek pantsless, though.

  
  
[1 year, 1 month, 16 days after the Exodus, 14:20]

Man, I wish we still had popcorn, this is awesome. Roslin was on her way down to the shuttle to spend the weekend with Adama – BETTER THERE THAN HERE, BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT, that guy is _loud_ – and Baltar tried to stop her. “You cahn’t spend the night there, Laura!” (He gets really pretentious when he’s trying to rein her in, as if anyone possibly could, gods know I’ve been trying for a year now.)

She got on that Ice Queen voice that usually comes right before someone getting their nails ripped out horribly. OR SOMETHING. I’m not really in on the Cylon interrogation stuff. “What exactly makes you think you can stop me from doing as I please, Gaius?”

Then he did the whole “I’M YOUR FATHER, GOD SAID SO” song and dance, as if _that_ ever works, all it ever does is make her start yelling “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD” and him start whining for Six to come save him.

Which she did, but Laura just started yelling “I SHOULD HAVE AIRLOCKED YOU BOTH WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!” Which I tried to convince her to do, like, a MILLION times, but _noooooooobody_ listens to me. She was all “wah wah due process blah blah can’t just walk around killing people unless they REALLY have it coming blah frakkin’ blah.” Bet she’s sorry now. I know I am.

Apparently the airlocking is kind of a sore spot with Six, because then she started screaming too. “YOU’RE LUCKY YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOUR FATHER IS!”

“THAT EXPLAINS A LOT!”

Then they were all just yelling (well, Baltar was moaning “OH, GOD, I HAVE DISPLEEEEEEEEEEEEASED YOU,” Six and Laura were yelling) until Six finally screamed “THAT’S IT, YOUNG LADY. I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOUR TERRIBLE ATTITUDE” and forced Laura into her cabin with her scary machine muscles and shoved a chair under the doorknob.

  
  
[1 year, 1 month, 17 days since Six and her frakking buddies blew everything to hell; 10:30]

I can’t work like this. Baltar is lurking around making puppy-dog eyes at Roslin’s cabin door and howling “Laura, I only want what’s best for you! Cahn’t you see that? You are important to me. Important to humanity. I should think you of all people would understand.”

“What I don’t understand is what kind of worthless deity would put you in charge of a pet rock, let alone humanity, let alone ME.”

“Laura, it isn’t that I don’t want you and the admiral to be happy!”

“That is exactly what you want, Gaius.”

“It most certainly is not! I just think you should be cautious of coming on too strong, you know, because sometimes men don’t…well, you know.“

“I actually don’t think I do know. I mean, look at what you’re nailing.”

“Well, now, that’s uncalled-for, Laura. Won’t you just let me in so we can talk about this?”

Frak, now he’s screaming. Please let it be a national security crisis. I am so over this.

  
  
[10:50]

She dyed her hair blue.

Oh my gods. This is the _best day ever_.

  
  
[11:22]

I didn’t even know they made blue flavored drink mix. What does it taste like? Blue? And why the hell did we think to bring that off the Colonies? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. She has streaks of it coming down her neck and cheeks. Six has been scrubbing for ten minutes and it won’t come off.

Baltar was completely useless, sitting around wailing “DID YOU DO THIS BECAUSE YOU HATE ME?”

Obviously. But it was still funny when Laura said yes. Ha ha.

  
  
[18:45]

She wants me to help her break out. With SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTAAAAAAAAAANDS. Haven’t we been through this already? But of course I put the call through. Whatever, she can listen to him whine all night about how he had to start getting military crew cuts in the third grade. I’ll just stay here and run the frakking fleet single-handed.

  
  
 [1 year, 1 month, 18 days; 15:00]

OMG! They actually took off! FINALLY. Later.

  
  
[15:12]

It is pretty boring around here, though.

  
  
[15:20]

Erased the survivor count and wrote GAIUS+FELIX 4EVA!!!! all over the board. Six was PISSED. I think she has _robot PMS_. Forgot I cannot blame things on Lee when he isn’t here.

  
  
 [1 year, 1 month, 19 days since I should have just _airlocked everyone_ , 12:45]

The admiral stopped by. Great. He was stalking around yelling “WHERE. IS MY SON,” and I was like “I don’t KNOW, GODS,” because I frakking _don’t_ , not that I want to, they’re probably stuck in some hellhole right now playing go fish for cardboard chips with prayers written all over them with a bunch of lousy Geminon nutcases. I bet it sucks.

But he kept on looming and threatening as if he wasn’t in the lobby crying over the radio stories ten minutes ago. HEY, PAL, WE HAVE BEEN IN SPACE FOR A YEAR NOW. IT IS DEFINITELY A RERUN. Finally, I got him to chill out by reminding him that if I couldn’t get shit done, Baltar was going to be the one making decisions around here. That shut him up. “WE CANNOT. LET SUCH A THING. HAPPEN,” which I get, clearly. _Some_ of us are working and not _weeping_ over Sylvia and Aaron and Artemia and Corneilus and their frakking _doomed love_. It wasn’t even a good episode.

Considering getting a padlock and making up a code if he’s going to be coming around here a lot, though. I swear he looked right at the drawer where I keep this thing.

  
  
[13:05]

Am just lucky he didn’t ask what the survivor count was. I probably should have written it down somewhere before I erased it.

  
  
[15:10]

Gaeta found out about the board. Remind me never to piss _that_ guy off again.

  
  
[15:50]

He was awfully hacked off about it for someone who “would never touch that dipstick Baltar with a ten-foot pole.” Probably shouldn’t have giggled so hard when he said “dipstick.” Or “pole.”

  
  
[15:55]

Found this on my desk:

 

_YOU WILL ALL PAY!!!!!_

 

Who swears blood vengeance on a post-it? Ooooh, I’m quaking in my boots now. Nerd.

  
  
[15:57]

What the frak was he even doing here anyway? OH, RIGHT. BALTAR. HAHAHAHA.

  
  
[1 year, 1 month, 20 days; 4:00, _no, really_ ]

They came back and woke me up. UGH.

I thought about narcing on them because I am so frakking sick of doing all the work by myself. It’s like _I_ am the one getting punished because nobody else around here is MATURE enough to DEAL. Then Lee started yelling “I’M KING OF ALL THE PIIIIIIILOOOOOOOOOTS!” when in reality he is the king of the _douchebags_ , and I tried to shut him up because people were sleeping but he didn’t listen and started jumping around on the sofa. I was kind of hoping he would fall and break his stupid face but he just toppled onto the ground and started giggling.

“Sssssshhhee why I need some grassh?” I swear to the gods she was actually slurring, so NO, I didn’t see why she needed it. “’S a _mental health_ thing.”

Which I thought was a little overdramatic until they looked at each other and counted to three (well, Laura counted to three, Lee only made it to two) and then – now I need all the mental health grass in the universe, oh my gods, I am _traumatized_ – they pulled their shirts up and their pants down and they have _giant frak-off belly button rings_. BOTH OF THEM. I don’t even want to know what else they got pierced.

 “So are you gonna tell, or are you coming with us?”

I still wasn’t sure, but then she said she had stolen my journal. Which I normally wouldn’t care about, but it’s the principle of the thing. I keep this in the office. I write _state secrets_ in here. It’s a whole government privilege thing. _Someone_ has to take security seriously around here, my GODS. So I dug up her stash because they were both _completely incompetent_ and we left.

Hope she doesn’t notice the bag is a little light. Oh well, I’ll just tell her I had to use it to bribe a marine to let them out. Like she’ll remember.

  
  
[5:30]

That prick Lee is trying to kill me, I swear. It is absolutely impossible to roll a decent joint with him swooping all around Colonial One. Though Roslin up against the window yelling “WOOOOOOOO! SUCK IT!” kind of makes it worthwhile.

  
  
[7:45]

DUNNO HOW TO FLIE THIS THING. LEE PAST OUT. TOOLFACE. HAHAHAHA. SHOULD PROLLY USE ALL MY HANDS.

  
  
[8:15]

Oh gods. Sobering up. Wish I was a Cylon so I could die a hundred times _right now_.

  
  
[14:20]

I suppose that could have gone worse. Lee had some brilliant master plan where we were going to land on the back dock of Colonial One so Laura and I could come up separately and he would go back to Galactica and this would all just be over.

I hope _that_ genius isn’t in charge of counterassaults, because there they were, standing on the deck waiting for us. Six had on her Remember I Killed A Few Billion Other People face. The admiral was trying really hard to glare and not stare down Laura’s shirt. Baltar was, of course, crying. Now we’re all confined to quarters until further notice.

It’s not all bad. Lee has to keep his belly button ring in as part of his punishment.

  
  
[1 year, 1 month, 21 days; 9:45]

I don’t know who the frak gave anyone authority to ground me. THIS MISCARRIAGE OF JUSTICE MUST BE RECTIFIED.

  
  
[11:45]

FREEDOM! More due to Baltar’s laziness than my formidable debate skills, but I’ll take what I can get.

  
  
[12:15]

Am now stuck indefinitely in the office instead of my bunk. They sicced a frakking kuckledragger on me to “make sure there are no other security incidents. Mr. Keikeya, I am counting on your _good sense_.” He smells like gasoline, and _wrongful imprisonment_. Some motherfrakker is gonna be sorry.

  
  
[16:30]

Called Colonel Tigh while the knuckledragger was taking a whizz and said “CYLON SAYS WHAT?” really fast and he totally fell for it and started yelling “WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?”

I can’t remember the last time I actually got someone to say “what” with that line (okay, I can; eighth grade, Andy T. Dumbass) but it WORKED. Then the frakking president, who likes to rebel by listening in on the extensions, totally went and gave it away by giggling and saying – no, _seriously_ – “YOU SAID WHAT! YOU’RE A CYLON! YOU CAN’T TAKE IT BACK NOW!” She’s supposed to be laying off the chamalla now that she’s better but I suppose we’re bending the rules for her, _what else is new_. Can I even go home an hour early on Fridays? No.

Tigh, naturally, couldn’t hang up until he yelled “WHO THE FRAK IS THIS” about a hundred times.

I had to think fast.

“STAAAAAAARBUCK! GIVE ME BACK MY PAAAAAAANTS!”

Someday they’re going to catch on that Lee couldn’t think this shit up but Tigh totally bought it.

  
  
[1 year, 1 month, 33 days]

Lee still grounded. Excellent work, if I do say so myself.

**Author's Note:**

> So, apparently, and trust that this hurts me more to type out than it hurts you to read, the stupid opera house was supposed to be _even stupider_ , and the “child” of Baltar and Caprica Six was going to be Laura Roslin. I have no idea why this turns Laura and Billy into Clarissa and Ferguson Darling in my head, but by the law of wildly entertaining intertextual analogies, this does, and I am not making this up, _turn Lee into Sam Anders_ , which on its own makes it all worthwhile. Thank you, C.


End file.
